"Merry Christmas, dear!" The indigo-haired woman smiled petitely, placing an ornately-wrapped package onto the dinner table.
"Um... gee." Kahran Ramsus grinned sheepishly. "Thanks, Miang," he added, almost as if reciting from a stock script.
Miang giggled, the jingle bell on top of her fake plush Santa hat chiming. "Open it."
Kahr smiled woodenly and began tugging at the red ribbon which encircled the package.
"Hurry up," Miang urged with an edge of impatience in her voice.
Kahr gently pulled away the tape from the underside of the package, trying not to tear the paper.
"Don't worry about the wrapping paper." Miang waved her hand. "Just go ahead and open it.
Kahr smiled again and ripped the remaining paper from the corners.
"Do you like it? What do you think?" Miang's lipsticked mouth broke into a grin.
"Gee, um... it's... a new speedo. Wow! Thanks, Miang! Just what I wanted!" Kahr began nodding mechanically as he held up the overly-tight black thong. He had known it was going to be speedos, of course. It had been nothing but speedos for every Christmas the two of them had been together. Get tired of them? He didn't even dare think such a thing out of fear of incurring the wrath of Miang.
"Oh, I'm so happy!" Miang twittered, jumping up and down. "Why don't you go try them on and see how they look?"
"Okay," Kahr agreed solemnly. He knew they would fit, of course. They were identical to all the other speedos currently residing in his drawers. He went into the bathroom anyway, though, where he closed the door and grudgingly began to strip.
"How do they look? How do they fit?" Miang urged him from outside the door.
Kahr reluctantly snapped one of the elastic edges and wriggled around, trying to get comfortable. "They're perfect! They look great." Actually, they were just a little too tight, and beginning to wedge into a rather private area, but he couldn't say that in front of Miang. Besides, it happened with every new pair until they got stretched out a bit. He was nearly used to it by now.
"Okay! Now come out of there, dear. I want to see how you look in them!"
Kahr felt his heart sink to somewhere around his ankles. The speedos weren't the worst part of the whole Christmas ritual-- actually, on their own, they might have been quite tolerable. It was what happened afterwards that gave him reason to dread...
He opened the bathroom door.
Miang stood in the middle of the bedroom, clad in nothing but a leather tank top, garters, and knee-high leather boots. Kahr had never quite figured out how she managed to get into the elaborate getup so quickly while he was just trying on a new speedo, and often had the nagging feeling he didn't really want to know.
"Um. You look nice... Miang," he managed in a knee-to-the-crotch-quality squeak.
Miang winked seductively, tossing purple hair back, and beckoned him closer with a finger.
'Wow, it's REALLY cold in this room', Kahr thought as he bumbled across the floor like an obedient puppy, clad in nothing but those damned speedos, which were beginning to cut off the circulation to extremely important regions of his body. For that, at least, he would be glad when they were finally off.
Idly, he wondered if Miang bought them a size or two small on purpose, or if she just didn't know his correct size.
After thinking about that for a while, he realized it could be perceived as an extreme insult.
Miang sashayed towards him in the dimmed bedroom, and seconds later, he felt a combination of stiff leather and cold metal slip around his neck and tighten with a resounding click. With a gulp of unease, he tugged unsteadily at the collar around his neck, which felt not quite tight enough to choke him but still enough to be uncomfortable. "Now, come here..." Miang crooned, and he panicked.
'Noooo! This can't be happening! Not again!!!! Please, let something intervene! A surprise attack by Shevat! A fire! A bomb! A meteor! A heart attack! Anything!' Kahr began to sweat in the cold room as he followed Miang to the bed, trembling.
What finally saved Kahr was not, in fact, a something, but a someone.
With a resounding crash, the bedroom window shattered, and the curtains fell to the floor with a loud clunk. Sigurd stood in the broken frame of the open window, wearing a shining suit of armor and carrying a rubber chicken. "Kahr! I'm here to save you from that evil fooey slut! Come to my arms, my nummy little cupcake of love!"
"Sig!" Kahr was so shocked that he temporarily forgot the fact he had nothing but speedos on, and made a frantic jump, arms wide open, for Sigurd. With a strangled choke, he stopped short, hands grabbing at his throat and clawing at the restraining collar-- the leash of which was still held firmly by Miang.
"I don't think so!" Miang declared, a pout crossing her face. "You're not going to interrupt our special Christmas together, you little cretin! Just look how proud Kahr is of his new speedos, and you ruined the moment for him!"
"But, Miang, you give me speedos every Ch--" Kahr blurted out before he could stop himself, and was cut off when Miang yanked the leash again.
"No! I'm here to rescue Kahr! Nobody should be humiliated by being forced to wear ridiculous underwear, much less underwear that rides up their ass! Now, out of my way--"
"Hmph! Kahr likes it, don't you, Kahr?" Miang cut in primly, prodding Kahr with the toe of her boot.
Kahr could only manage a strangled "Mmmmpphhh..."
"I think he'd much rather have something else riding up that particular part of his body!" Sigurd yelled, jumping on top of the bed.
"If you must know, he does enjoy my strap-on--"
"Miang, you just don't understand the true spirit of Christmas!" Sigurd proclaimed. "It's a holiday about love and about caring, not forcing people to wear tight underwear and using drugs and hypnotic control to subjugate them to your will, while pretending you love them only because you know they're desperate for affection! It should be a time that's enjoyed and cherished, and full of happiness and sharing, not fear and apprehension! If anyone deserves a happy Christmas, Kahr does! It's a time for forgiveness and loving, and... uh..."
Miang tapped her foot jadedly as Sigurd forgot the rest of his speech. "Are you done yet?"
"Yeah."
"I've had about enough of you! You should know by now that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb!" Visibly bristling with irritation, Miang stepped backwards, the space between her hands starting to buzz with Ether energy as she began charging the power for one of her Executioner spells.
"Ha! Taste the wrath of the CHICKEN, fooey slut!" Sigurd shouted. Leaping from the bed, he swung the rubber chicken in a wide arc, bringing it down with a resounding thwunk on Miang's head. The energy between her hands dissipating in a flash, the violet-haired woman fell unconscious to the ground.
Kahr slowly raised his head from the floor, gasping for breath.
"Kahr! Are you okay?" Armor rattling, Sigurd bent at Kahr's side and gathered his trembling body in his arms.
"Um... I think so..."
"Good. Let's go before she wakes up!" Resting Kahr on his shoulder and the rubber chicken on the other, Sigurd ran to the window, grabbed a vine which materialized out of nowhere, and swung across the courtyard of Aveh's royal palace.
"Hey! Where are we going?" Kahr managed, realizing with some degree of humiliation that he was still wearing nothing but speedos.
"We're going to the Magic Land of Comfortable Underwear," Sigurd informed him.
"Er... where's that?" Kahr inquired, still a little dazed.
"Somewhere around here... uh..." With a loud snap the vine broke, sending Kahr, Sigurd, and the flapping rubber chicken falling through the cold night. Hair whipping around his face as he fell, Kahr opened his mouth to scream...
And sat up in bed, covered in sweat.
His gaze flickered around the darkened room, feeling a compelling need to make sure that he really was here with Sigurd, safe in their own room.
"Whoah. THAT was a weird dream..." mumbled Kahr to himself, feeling his heart pounding furiously inside his chest, his shoulders heaving with deep gasps. He hadn't woken up with such a start since...
Suddenly panicked, he stole a glance at the figure sleeping by his side, and exhaled in relief to see that the hair spilling onto his pillow was silver-grey, not purple.
Letting out a long, shaky breath, he slid back into the sheets beside Sigurd and let his eyes begin to drift shut.
"Kahran Ramsus..."
He sat up with a gasp, reflexes still on edge. "Who is it?" he called out into the darkness. The voice, low and male, was oddly familiar, though it certainly wasn't Sigurd's or even Hyuga's.
"Over here," chuckled the quiet voice.
Kahr followed the source of the voice into the dark corner beside his bed.
"Who are you? Who?"
The figure in the corner was a luminous, half-transluscent shape, a mirror image of Kahr himself in his younger days. Though the image's face was hidden in shadow, Kahr could see quite clearly that the ghostly form was nearly nude, clad only in black speedos.
"I am the Ghost of Speedos Past, Kahran Ramsus. Are you so quickly forgetting your past? Don't you remember how many you went through with Miang--"
"Oh, God... not again," Kahr wailed. Sitting straight up in bed, he shoved away his blankets and suddenly fell still, staring down at his groin. He was wearing nothing but speedos.
He stared at them for a few seconds, and blinked.
Grabbing his pillow from the bed, he hit himself in the face as hard as he could with it--
--There was a loud thwack, and Kahr sat up in bed again, chest streaked with sweat, rubbing his head (the one on his neck, perverts!) from where he'd hit it on the headboard.
He sat in the darkened bedroom for a few seconds, fully expecting the Ghost of Speedos Present or Miang or something to present itself at any minute. But nothing appeared; he heard nothing but the vague rumbling of the heater and the subdued whispers of Sigurd's breath, and the beating of his own heart.
Lying down beside Sigurd, he snuggled up to him and gently kissed the side of the older man's neck.
Sigurd awakened with a snort and a twitch. "What? Huh? Cookies, for me? I'd like to buy a vowel..." He blinked, rubbing at his eye. "Kahr?"
"Um." Kahr looked suddenly sheepish. "Er... thanks."
"Thanks for what?"
Kahr was silent a minute. "...Everything."
Sigurd smiled tiredly and nuzzled his head against Kahr's shoulder.
"Oh, yeah. One more thing..." There was a note of alarm in Kahr's voice.
"Ummmh?"
"You didn't get me speedos for Christmas, did you?"
Sigurd blinked in startlement. "Er... no, I didn't. I got you an assortment of edible massage oils." He paused. "Damn, I guess I gave it away now, but I don't want you to worry."
"Okay." Kahr nestled his head on Sigurd's arm and let his eyes drift shut slowly.
A smile worked its way across Sigurd's lips. "Okay. Good night, Kahr. Merry Christmas."
(there. that wasn't too sappy, was it? tell me it isn't or I'll shoot myself. um... well, maybe not that drastic.)
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