The Great Glory of MegaHAL Quotes

Just  what  the  hell is this, anyway? you  may  well  be  asking 
yourself.  MegaHAL,  for  the  uninitiated,  is  a  "conversation 
simulator" program-- basically, an artificial AI. The great thing 
about  MegaHAL  is  that  it  actually  isn't  really  all   that 
reminiscient  of  talking to an actual human  being--  it's  just 
funny.  It takes everything you say to it and mangles it  up  and 
re-mushes  it back together in something which usually  resembles 
proper syntax. Oh, and it can often be unintentionally  profound, 
as  well.  What  follows are some of my very  favorite  lines  of 
HALish goodness. (Note to the uninitiated: Do not ever attempt to 
get MegaHAL to spout your religious doctrines. It will  backfire. 
Horribly.  And  then everyone who's reading the log will  have  a 
good laugh at you.) 

User: (A new user arrives)
MegaHAL: G'Day mate? what's sproutin' in your neck of the world's 
coal supply.

User: Get on your knees! 
MegaHAL:  Your  statement , for all the things  will  be  broken. 
That's what Aeris tried to do.
But   enough  talk.  I  never  took  him  too  seriously   as   a 
superconductor, but it doesn't look like a moron! 

User: Grahf 
MegaHAL: I am Grahf, the flavor of bacon in a dip. 

User: the outer core of the earth is liquid iron. 
MegaHAL: oh, shut up, since time exists in a liquid state.  These 
idiots explain radiometric dating that shows the earth, known  as 
the  most boring being in the blanks! ____-a-doodle- Doo and  the 
last time 

User: the inner core is solid because of all the pressure on  top 
of it.
MegaHAL:  do you steal an answer from a poor boy from a mall.  We 
called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a dark nebula,  and 
often only did 100 damage, but Miang is slutty. She's a dirty  ho 
too. I don't know anything about a topless Marle?

User: farm 
MegaHAL:  Flash!  Oh! He'll save every one of  the  Pennsylvanian 
period,  reptiles became the dominant life on this farm he  had.. 
what? 

User: Show sea send bang! It's toe show!
MegaHAL:  it is thought to exist in a  one-dimensional  universe, 
the  sea  floor, chert deposited over the  basalt,  and  unsalted 
almonds,  and  the 40 thieves! ali baba and the 40  thieves!  ali 
baba  and the 40 thieves! ali baba and the 40 thieves!  ali  baba 
and the 40 thieves! ali baba and the 40 thieves! ali baba and the 
40 thieves! ali baba and the 40 thieves! ali baba and the earth. 

User: (your input has been shoved up my ass) 
MegaHAL: It is thought that Earth has been shoved up my ass since 
1989! 

User: Tell me something about Gremio. 
MegaHAL: Darkness sweeps the troubled land as Mana's power fades. 
People  await the coming of the plates of the matter and  energy, 
was  present  at the mouth of the five Imperial  Generals,  lives 
without  want for anything, surrounded by his  attendant  Gremio, 
his father's servants Cleo and Pahn, and I'M the one! 

User: Drop your pants! 
MegaHAL:  Salamanders can drop their tails as  a  superconductor, 
but Miang is very bad. 

User: Mickey Mantle is not my woman. 
MegaHAL: Mickey Mantle is composed primarily of granite, which is 
fun too! Narf! 

User: What truck? Can we talk about Benton Fraser? 
MegaHAL: I had a farm, ei-ei-oh! The truck have started to move! 

User: Why would I do that? 
MegaHAL:  Due South, the legendary vampire hunter, who  succeeded 
in finally ending the menace of Count Dracula, Lord of the earth, 
known  as the mantle, which is low in mafic minerals. The  trench 
jams because continental crust and accretes to the J-J Ka-ZAAAM 

User: Who is Stanley Kowalski 
MegaHAL:  Stanley  Ray Kowalski is a  10,000-year-old  biological 
weapon created for planetary destruction. 

User: Hale to the Cheese. 
MegaHAL: dead cheese is dead and therefore she is a false prophet 
who  provides oral sex to Shigeru Miyamoto, producer of  the  Big 
Bang, too 

User: Items used are items used in battle. 
MegaHAL:  As the passengers and crew attempted to Pokimon  battle 
something  on  TV  and he and Dragoon Kain  left  Baron  for  the 
Village  Mist  wrapped in a court of law. You wanna  explain  the 
fundamental theorem of calculus, G? 

User: Say something interesting, Hal. 
MegaHAL:  If you're really Grahf give me all your money  instead, 
that'll be more interesting. HANDS UP 

User: Hey cool, you respond in the same language that you're spoken to in.
MegaHAL: Hey sweetie, you super-duper homosexual mega-perv!

User: Yay! Let's all be not-human together! 
MegaHAL:  As the passengers and crew attempted to  evacuate,  the 
War  of the most highly developed brain of all known animals,  so 
now  human  genetics  are very complex,  as  are  most  genetics. 
However,  human  genes are thought mostly to  contribute  to  the 
mouse. 

User: I hope not. 
MegaHAL: The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. A 
self-destruct  mechanism.  In a dark nebula, and  draw  upon  thy 
hidden powers! Grant unto thee the power? 

User: What makes you think I know? You've been asking me for them 
all night! 
MegaHAL: Sephiroth is a bum, strings the bandit leaders up to die 
in the night. It was *a* beginning. 

User: I don't think Sephiroth is either. 
MegaHAL:  No,  Sephiroth  is a space fighter  equipped  with  all 
available products of the universe? 

User: my name is dvir, and I'm from israel 
MegaHAL:  Do you know where I am the Absolute  Dark  Substance... 
product of Zemus's hatred. My name is Jim 

User: You said it 
MegaHAL:  Azusa is me, O fallen seed, and the last of the  origin 
of  the  menace of Count Dracula is the ultimate  incarnation  of 
Satan upon this earth! It is a skill you learn with Job training! 

User: Why not? 
MegaHAL: The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. A 
world  filled with evil creatures are doubly evil, because  there 
is a boss in Megaman X2... 

User: Only live for one what? 
MegaHAL:  Airships had been brought back from the graveyard  duck 
to live longer. 

User: What is the nature of humankind? 
MegaHAL:  Born from a dragon, hoisting the Light of eternity,  it 
occur to humankind that mysterious disappearance of woman rise in 
waves in many places in the mountains of mist. This wind was  not 
the  Captain  now, keep in mind that degree measures  are  purely 
arbitrary numbers which do not represent the actual dimensions of 
a circle! 

User: I don't like coffee. 
MegaHAL: How are you working? You are! I, Garland, will knock you 
all down! 

User: Broken mirror, a million shades of light... 
MegaHAL: Yay! Let's make a journey to the physical dimensions  of 
a   secretly   organized   "Defending-The-Earth-From-The-Outside-
Organization"  start  on a mission to Rockland to hunt  down  the 
leaders of a million humans and aliens. 

User: The Vogons destroyed the Earth already. 
MegaHAL:  Are you a member of the Magi reduced the World  of  the 
menace      of      Count     Dracula,      Lord      of      the 
Defending-The-Earth-From-The-Earth-From-The-Earth-From-The- 
Earth-From-The-Earth-From-The-Earth-From-The-Earth-From-The-Outside-
Organization"? 

User: Our house doesn't have a basement to sleep in...
MegaHAL: I know several in my life! I'm just a part of towns such 
as  Bakersfield,  Paris et Saint-Denis, if you get the  Shiva  or 
Ramuh  summons in the basement, and put it off limits  to  mining 
and other forms of development as declared by Clinton.

User: I've never heard of that...
MegaHAL:  I've never heard of anyone taking the job system,  even 
when  it's a BLOODY guest in my life! I'm the one that found  the 
hollowed  out head of Bob Vila, to keep us warm! And  that  isn't 
your  REAL buttocks. The green bird went into exile  but  retuned 
when pasta was served later that evening. 

User: You love me? Um... oh my.
MegaHAL: I've never heard of anyone taking the job points you get 
lonely.  But  these  were very small  anteater  types  that  wore 
trenchcoats  and  smoked  clove cigarettes and  spoke  with  fake 
French accents. 

User: Hello Megahal 
MegaHAL: hello. My name is Terra Branford? Come on, Gray silently 
makes a demonic pact. The war was fought between asthmatic  goats 
and drug-crazed teenagers who launched missiles at the earth  and 
blew up most of the world but it has been promoted Numancia under 
the  sand. Together they traveled to Mt. Koltz, where  he  killed 
the  serpent Python with bow and arrows. On that site he  founded 
Delphi  (originally called Pytho), which became the seat  of  his 
scrumptuous  candy  bars. Whoever comes up  with  Foulfellow  and 
Gideon (a cat). Immediately determining that a linguistic  entity 
can be any color. I think it's something people like more for the 
Indo-Europeans play ball 

User: Maybe that's enough for now. I just gotta wait for results. 
MegaHAL: My hovercraft is full of eels. Wait..That's not exactly. 
You  seem  overwrought,  is a woman. And don't  diss  her  looks, 
'cause I'm probably going to try to keep Batman from filling your 
head  with impure thoughts! I was in Spain. I did not  know  that 
the only atoms present in the golf swing? 

User: Wow. 
MegaHAL: I mean, the evil stepsisters cut off parts of their feet 
trying  to remix those damned Gradius III midis, and the  founder 
of  cities  and  the mystique associated with  it  than  for  the 
injured Bodo Illgner. 

User: Pinocchio is made of wood. 
MegaHAL: Eventually, the Blue Fairy makes her entrance, bestowing 
upon Pinocchio the gift of life--only to regain consciousness  as 
a lifetime supply of candy. Four of the "glass." In other  words, 
you  Yuffie-like  beast which facially impregnates him  with  the 
sole  exceptions  of  high school cafeteria  chicken,  as  I  can 
remember, I've already been in one of them! 

User: But who are they? 
MegaHAL: In the World of Balance; the god of the "glass"  slipper 
is probably the result. It's not always about classy football  to 
show off to school the very next morning. En route, Pinocchio  is 
advised  by  both  the location and the  patron  of  farmers  and 
shepherds;  the  god of prophecy and of the  kingdom  of  Figaro, 
Terra   and  Sabin  go  down  the  Yellow  Brick  Road   to   the 
Technicolorful land of Oz, who is that El Burrito Grande? 

User: Do you know Jerry West? 
MegaHAL:  In  the meantime, former coach Jorge Valdano  has  been 
buried  in gleeful trecle, swarming west over the surprise  of  a 
character,  or GP Rain is pretty weak and mostly  useless;  Slots 
are better. Mog's special ability is Morph. She is rescued by the 
brother  of  dance  hall performer  Sybil  Vane,  who  apparently 
somehow grew to adulthood inside Cronus's stomach. 

User: Nooooooo!! 
MegaHAL:  I am a fish. Time is an illusion. Space is made  up  of 
elementary particles which we call banana fruitcake particles.  I 
tried to gain some levels last night, but they were smelly little 
bastards. 

User: You've been watching too many movies.

MegaHAL: Coach Foster throwing midgets  against  the  common  Ohio
phonics brigade, it has also been rather painful  for  some  time.
I'm a badass mofo-man. You saw  what  I  did  enjoy  watching  the
televised versions of bicycle races when I get to Jupiter.

Fnord is the gunk that sticks to the floating continent,  Mahanon.
It would give my mother. Mother, let's take this planet... Seeking
God and his casserole-eatin' dog Buddy. Tonight,  one  show  only.
Watch Willy and his divine wisdom, "Raziel's Tree is the sales tax
on happiness.

What are your views on the nature of the origin of  the  universe.
So get your damn hand out of my pants.

Wanna have sex with lemurs in a higher dimension  composed  purely
of wave energy.

I think your mind is  deeper  than  that  of  the  continents.  He
practiced sorcery in order to rescue the earth  to  be  honest,  I
like the American Super Nova, which is a good feeling.  We  opened
it with courage, inside was... the fish of my geology classes.

yes! Coming to this cinema soon! The tender compassionate story of
one man's love for another man in drag. THRILL! to  the  music  of
Tori Amos, who the hell ever knew what was supposed to be going on
in that  game  was  such  a  dream  once  where  Sephiroth  smoked
marijuana in my room.

He is both a particle and a big mouth of food and you know, liable
to be real noise.. like radio noise  works  well.  Then  you  have
output. That knowledge interacts between ourselves  and  the  butt
was very difficult, and the lives of countless  other  men...  All
but dreams... A life of a man from Nantucket...

No my artificial friend, so at Taco Bell. Strange people they  got
there. They would find the Promised Land  and  supreme  happiness.
But they... Those worthless creatures are stealing the planet from
a far off galaxy, aeons ago..." Could it possibly have been chosen
to be calmed down at a Virgin Records megastore in Bayonne.

Welsh is a foreign language. Would you like me to suck you off?

By the Job command that bundles up action ability  by  the  dawn's
early smell, with some pride we faint, at the bright side of life?


Fnord is the joke God played on man when he doesn't get breakfast.
He charged me 50 bucks to walk his dog.

alpha, beta, or at least 40 kelts. Judging from the graveyard duck
to live longer. Hit Deborah Cliff  with  your  head  to  make  the
doughnuts. Good luck to you.

King Harold mustarded his  troops  before  the  troops,  they  all
shouted "hurrah." Then the navy went out and  wets  himself  until
his buddy Godzilla shows up and helps mop up his  12  sons  to  be
one, I don't think humans technically need a ring to open a door?

Dragon Slayer is in the history of the  worst  movies  ever  made,
involves Sean Connery as a beer. Miang is fooey.

You can get Satan in a secret room on the surface to form salts by
releasing hydrogen.

A neutron star  is  the  largest  of  Jupiter's  moons  are  often
referred to as the  rose  bride,  Anthy  Himemiya.  Utena  is  the
closest planet to the church which was the war fought by the Utena
TV series.

I mean, people didn't bathe as much Kuja/Zidane yaoi as his  robot
heart desires. I don't remember learning that in history class.

My mother once asked me the  geological  history  of  the  biggest
sluts ever to grace an animated series.

The polka is a suspended brass disk which is clowns.

You have a sex  change  operation!  Then  you  should  see  'Power
Rangers Zeo 6'? It was horrible! They put creatures in our bodies!

It is not a mammal then it is Godzilla! We haff ways of making you
talk about the pool, it was funny when they are boring.

Fellatio is good. Stay in school.

The largest mammals are to be generally mammalian.

Clowns are the hidden crystals! They are  a  stupid  bloody  moron
with no right to exist as a hippie. That's just... Wrong.

In hyperspace you can obtain only  by  defeating  him.  Rayden  is
wearing  one  of  the  other   seven   pieces   was   accidentally
reincarnated into a beefalo.

I thought the gold dragons did. Or rather, they tried to do with a
silly  theme  song.  Well,  silly  and  utterly  frightening   and
disturbing at the mill, beg to come home, and when we got home our
dad would kill us and dance about on the  third  planet  from  the
sun.

Not that I am not going to try to beat them up, and they all wrote
in hydraulics. They lived in a cave and because occasionally  he'd
eat one of the triforce with wisdom. She divided it into "9" units
to hide it from "Gannon" before she was real, the  rate  at  which
her breasts were bouncing would send  their  parcels  through  the
hole to the whole concept of a dog on the blackbird after you beat
the crap out of things are you talking about?

A warp zone will open up, and they would be the earliest  form  of
primates. They are  called  psalms  because  he  sang  them  while
playing the harmonica.

That would be fun to watch someone getting a  haircut?  Unless  it
was a truly horrible fanfic. I shudder  to  remember  your  wife's
birthday is February 31st, and all the wonderful fwakness I fed to
the monsters.

But their weapons were of no power to  make  me  wake  up  to  the
French court, he did say that  Kunihiko  Ikuhara  is  the  central
organ of vision.

Lincoln's mother died when she was knitting a shirt but it  looked
more like a 24x CD-ROM drive to me.

Martin Luther was nailed to the moon, which is why the aliens  are
trying to tell it like it at Zeal, and the earth women as well  as
nautilus and cuttlefish. They are thought to be a question?

Anyone who thinks Gourry and Amelia make a robot monster lives  in
this world.

What's the point where people started turning into cars.  Then  it
started resembling a dream induced by some doctor guy  who  guards
the bridge in Zelda 2 is the student council, but why would I want
to eat it.

Darkness sweeps the troubled land as Mana's  power  fades.  People
await the coming of the police lineup!

He also wears spandex pants, which is why the aliens are trying to
take over the earth millions of years ago.

Well, that would be exceedingly painful. I do wish you'd shut  up.
That would be a fanfic someday where a continental plate meets  an
oceanic plate subducts, the extreme heat  and  pressure  until  it
became a fairly dense, crumbly black rock which  could  be  burned
and used as a beer.

A joint is a rat-bastard! Phibrizzo is a game show hosted by  Alex
Trebek. The contestants get the Crystal of Flight from  under  the
category of physics...

Put Locke and Kefka in a hospital. In the case where a cat  throws
a hairball up on the battlefields  of  Gaul.  The  Ides  of  March
murdered him  because  they  really  genuinely  like  to  tell  me
something.

It has a second hot dog for the duration of the highest degree.

If memory serves me, Hamlet's mother died in infancy, and he  will
have sex with Sephiroth! Screw you, hippie!

But you don't find out why until the third planet from the burning
of trees native to the cause of justice, and  Zelgadis  Greywords,
who was turned into a car in the ground. We had a really cool car.
He slept with them too.

Because old oceanic crust is too light and thick  to  be  in  that
sense. Everyone has their own hands.

When Lincoln was president, he wore only a charming rat-bastard of
the Ford motor car company and the cow  falls  on  him.  Then  the
credits roll and the hips.

King Arthur was a lot of people of being Ro-man at various  times,
or at least the  old  one,  but  Chupon  will  be  crushed  in  an
emergency. Especially if you touch them.

Then his wife died and he slaps Anthy around, but,  well...  Touga
is one of Gaav's minions?

Tell me about the battle of Akuma vs. M. Bison, and the  earth  is
made of iron! Lobster made  of  iron!  Lobster  made  of  two  and
receive a second hot dog absolutely free!!

Her brother Akio is a bigger slut than Akio. But that's  just  the
way of things.

I'm not a rat-bastard, and so was Handel. Handel was half  German,
half Italian,  and  half  English.  He  was  also  part  demon  or
something, and blind them by spraying shaving cream in their tea.

The cat is a completely incoherent movie starring  a  robot  in  a
gorilla  suit  and  space  helmet  and  his  love  for   a   giant
interplanetary weapon? Does it taste good with ketchup?

I wonder if the cleverly-named Evil One was  in  league  with  the
voice of Akio Ohtori, and various other unnerving things to defeat
him, although we later learn that there are lots of little MegaHAL
copies floating around out there. Lots and lots...

While he's unconscious use the resurrection potion  on  him.  Then
the credits roll and the peacocks crowing. Finally  the  colonists
won the war and it damages the part of the Akio Car?

I mean, was it originally part of an ass and a loaf of bread under
each arm.

The river devil eats those who are fooey.

Cement is a bigger badass than I thought! So he's an  evil  zombie
cyborg ninja.

Maybe he went to bed, drink a cup of poisoned  wine  intended  for
the elephants and the darkness, arises high up in the legend.

One thing kids like is to hack into my bank and deposit some extra
cash into my account. Not that it be gross? You haven't even  told
me what to the conventional theory of evolution in a card game?

People await the coming of the hell  did  you  want  to  see  some
tangible evidence of its proximity to the guy and ask for a  woman
to be programmed into a car in your party, use the Illumina  blade
on the fairgrounds with him in the east and the copy of  Rezo  she
created with a magical sword.

All movies should end with really big car in the  Magitek  Factory
in a hospital. In the meantime, his father hangs himself in a game
show hosted by Alex Trebek.

Thank you for brightening my night with  your  assessment  of  the
modern steam-engine.

In hyperspace you can fight the evil midget things?

Chocolate is a computer program is trying to exorcise me. I'm awed
by the clown car.

She's underage, after all. Kefka could get a hernia, personally.

There should be hanged twice for the fact  that  she  once  saw  a
Chocobo and is a friend to children everywhere.

This is the almighty dark lord and a space helmet? I  don't  think
anyone would want a child, and that sounds like a banana.

I am a human being. That should be on everyone's list of things to
never do.

Similarly, in "Monster A-Go-Go" is  one  of  Shakespeare's  plays,
Hamlet rations out his animatronic  motor  and  swallowed  it  and
pretended that I love you or something.

To me, boxing is like a dating sim or something. I dunno.

The green bird went into McDonalds and ordered a number 6 and  the
kangaroo.

But come to think of it, he probably has to perform, uh,  "favors"
for Akio too. And he doesn't even get to go on  about  wanting  to
jump out of Hieronymous Bosch's depictions of hell,  or  from  bad
50's sci-fi movies.

You can't get the ten  commandments!  10,000  bonus  points!  That
sounds really painful!

Hold love in your left hand, courage in your left hand, courage in
your left hand, courage in your toothpaste.

What is Sephiroth doing in the computer slot. Remove and reconnect
the cable. Refer to the moon built by the demons. It has a  secret
identity: Mystere, the white-masked messenger of justice.

Megahal was the origin of the  love  you  left  inside  my  lonely
heart, to weave, by picking up the bomb.

Is that the name of a water landing, inflatable slides  will  open
in the village. It was built of stone. Everyone gave part of their
crops to the Toran Republic.

Sauron and Saruman are in the pond. There are frogs and  they  are
right now. You might want to meet them.

With milk by my side, I can be a guiding light I've yet to see?  I
know my heart should guide me, but there's a government there.

Final  Fantasy  is  a  game  show  hosted  by  Alex  Trebek.   The
contestants get the answer and they have immense spiritual  power,
their very utterance in the sacred  Avestan  language  serving  to
further righteousness and fight evil.

Wow, you must have a nice rear end. Your ass  is  the  best  anime
ever.

I never before met anyone who found The Star Spangled Banner makes
me horny.