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3/13/99: Received one of those free America Online CDs in the mail today. Have had some family and friends recommend I get an e-mail account. Will give it a try tomorrow, since first 50 hours are free. 3/14/99: Installed AOL on my computer and made a screen name for myself. Tried to log on, but local number was busy. Tried regional, long-distance, out-of-state, and Canadian numbers, which were all busy as well. 3/15/99: Tried to log on again; got 20 busy signals in a row. Called technical support hotline. After being put on hold for 45 minutes, received following pre-recorded message: "Dear Idiot: If it wasn't for morons like you all trying to be online at the same time, we wouldn't have this problem. Try signing on at a less popular time, like 4:30 AM. Have a nice day and thank you for calling AOL's Customer Support Hotline." 3/16/99: AOL busy again today; am writing a letter of complaint to headquarters in Virginia. 3/22/99: Received my letter today with "RETURN TO SENDER: ADDRESS UNKNOWN" stamped on it. 3/23/99: Called technical support hotline again today; got to talk to a live operator after an hour and a half of Muzak. At least, I think it was a live person. Transcript of session is as follows: Me: I'm having some trouble with my AOL account. Tech Support: Uhhh... hold on... (gum chewing) Okay, uh, is your computer plugged in? M: What? T: Uhh, like, check the back of your computer. There should be this big black cord sticking out of the back. You have to plug that into the wall for it to work. M: Sir, I've owned a computer for three years. I know what a power cord is. T: Okay, uhh... (sound of scratching) Okay, there's, like, this thing called the modem? You should have a phone line plugged into the back of your computer. M: That was the first thing I did. T: Uhhh... is it turned on? M: Yes. T: Uhhh... did you, like, install AOL or something? M: Yes. T: Uhh... I don't know what your problem is, sir. You suck. Have a nice day. 3/30/99: Had a storm today that knocked out all the power lines in neighborhood. Hooked up the generator from my RV and FINALLY got online. Received 20 pieces of e-mail in first hour alone, all of which purported to be from naked teenagers, people who had installed hidden cameras in Pamela Lee's house, and Little Bobby, who has been dying of cancer since 1988 and wants to start the world's longest chain letter. Logged into chatroom "Theoretical Physics"; found six people having cybersex and one other person named "HackerGod69." Asked him what happened to Hacker Gods 1-68. Got response, "U R |\|0T l33T!!!! 1 W1|-|- |-|4XX U!!!!" approx. 100 times. Used the guide pager to call an AOL staff member; half an hour later, "GuideFred" showed up in room. Explained situation to him; his response was, "D88D!!! I2 U 4 |-|4><0R?????!!!! 1 \/\/4|\|t 2 b3 4 |-|4X0R 2!!!!!" Left room; got instant messages from four people asking "will u cyber with me"; someone looking for a thing called "\/\/4I23Z," and person named "SexyBabe91" who told me that an error in my account would cause me to be kicked offline and all she needed to fix it was my password, credit card number, and bank account password. Got warning, "You have been online for 30 minutes. Do you want to stay online? Please click Yes within 5 seconds or you will be logged off." Got logged off. 4/1/99: Called technical support hotline. Told them they could stop worrying about my computer, because I smashed it. Also smashed 18 AOL disks which have piled up in mailbox over last month. Went to Barnes&Noble, the real one, not the online one, and got book, "Being a Hermit: How To Isolate Yourself From Society." I move out next Monday. |